The Definitive BE Story Archive

The Overflowing Bra

Paul Gerard
The Temple Treat (A World of Altaerna story)
In a world similar to ours, a young man meets something ... older. Much older. And rather ... flexible. Is it magic? Or just science too advanced? A first try, comments welcome.
Average Scores:

Powerthirst
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

When life gives you lemons, you
FIND
A
NEW
GOD

shines01
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 4

Nice growth scenes. That, plus the fact that her last growth is left to the imagination makes for a good story. Maybe Caryn grows to the size of a planet? Then the magic in her provides for a new species? Ah, the imagination

Merkava IV
Overall= 4, BE= 4, Characters= 4, Technical= 5

My only real niggle with this story is the section where Carl puts his hand on "Jenny's" cauliflower sized nipple, when it should be Caryn's.

Otherwise, I enjoyed it thouroughly. Write more... we're all waiting.

elvis interuptus
Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 5, Technical= 5

loved it
al

Overall= 5, BE= 5, Characters= 4, Technical= 4

zzyzx
Overall= 4, BE= 3, Characters= 5, Technical= 4

Xbladeo said it nicely. The "creature" has a lot of upside potential, the boy was a sperm source.

malepunker
Overall= 5, BE= 3, Characters= 4, Technical= 3

great story more discription please AG is far to rare but great story alot of potential

Xblade0
Overall= 3, BE= 3, Characters= 3, Technical= 5

While this story could have been excellent, flowery language doesn't account for an entire story, especially an erotica. Without a clear narrative voice, whether it be first or third person, writing can degenerate into a mere chronicle of events. This, coupled with over-description, can produce an extremely dry piece of literature.

A good test of your story's "voice" is to read it aloud. Most times if your story sounds awkward/boring/wordy from your own mouth, it reflects on the paper. The usual culprit of these problems is something called "passive voice", which (usually) distances yourself from the writing because it implies that the events of the story are not of personal account. To avoid this, try to use fewer time references like now, then, and after, which only serve to remove the reader's immersion.

I may sound like an English teacher, but I must stress that this work is extremely close to being an involving adventure; adding soul to a piece isn't as hard as it sounds. A day or two of reflection can mean the difference between a robotic story and a human one.

I hope you submit another story soon, Paul. I want to know how you're going to make your writing truly riveting.

Please give the authors feedback, I can not emphasize enough how important it is to them.
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Rate this story from 1-5 stars (5 stars is best) in the following categories:

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BE Description (Detail, quantity, quality)
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Characters (Descriptions, likeability)
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Technical Quality (Writing style, grammar, etc.)
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